She is THREE!!!

We had a wonderful birthday celebration on February 28, 2020, rejoicing in the THREE years God has given us with Verity Irene! We had an open house celebration, which...in hindsight...probably wouldn't have happened if we had known we'd be under Coronavirus quarantine-type measures shortly afterward. But praise God, all our friends and we are still healthy, and so we are grateful that we had the opportunity to celebrate with friends and family on Verity's special day! Verity wore 2 different party dresses after "anointing" one of them...so much for trying a taste of her birthday cake?! Oral eating may never be a thing for our girl, but we are so grateful she is HEALTHY and HAPPY and that we get to share life with her, because she is most definitely

Compatible

with

LIFE!!!

A Year in a Post

Wow. It's been over 13 months since I wrote a post on this blog! How easy it is to pop a photo or video on Facebook or Instagram and share a slice of life. And yet...how fleeting it is. I miss journaling about the intricate details of our life. I miss being more thoughtful and processing precious moments.

How has it been a year since we celebrated Verity's 2nd birthday?! This evening, on the eve of her 3rd birthday, I decided to dust off the cobwebs from this blog and look back over the past 12-ish months to see how far we've come! Ready?! Here we go!

January - February 2019
Verity got 2 piggie tails for the first time! Finally enough hair! Also a new set of AFOs to help hold her feet in a flexed position following her tenotomy surgery in November 2018, after which she wore casts for several weeks. These AFOs were stinkin' cute, but unfortunately not very functional. We went back multiple times to make tweaks, and at one point we had 3 therapists involved with the orthotics guy, who is a genuinely patient and good man and has worked tirelessly with us to get things right! The third pic below shows Verity the day of her bronchoscopy, a sedated procedure which allowed the ENT and pulmonologist a good look at Verity's airway and lung "juices." We learned that Verity's anatomy was not causing her OSA (obstructive sleep apnea), i.e. the ENT did not need to remove tonsils or adenoids. We also learned that while Verity still had problems with emesis, she was NOT aspirating into her lungs. Hooray! But boo...Verity did have to start prophylactic antibiotics after having a third UTI in several months.

2ND BIRTHDAY! February 28, 2019
A celebration with our church family after the service. Our little unicorn got a special handmade unicorn!

March, April, May 2019
First haircut, ball pit (we graduated from a cardboard box to a plastic swimming pool that we can pull out and play with in the house), therapies, park days, Easter (and naps), getting arm braces to help with weight bearing, and another sleep study, which resulted in us getting a CPAP set-up for Verity in early summer. It has made SUCH a difference for her (and our!) quality of sleep!! We got another good report from the cardiologist, who only sees Verity once a year now.

JUNE 2019
We had a quick road trip to Iowa to drop off our son for a mission-type camp and then visit friends for a few days. Back home, we saw Verity's urologist for a check-up after her regular abdominal scan (which looked fabulous), and he stopped the antibiotics. Hooray! The photos below are a few of my favorite pics from our summer photo shoot with Melissa Pennington, which took place in Iowa:

JULY - SEPTEMBER 2019
Honestly, I don't remember a lot of detail from this time period, mostly because the property management agency managing the house we were renting informed us that, despite telling us less than 24 hours earlier we could renew our lease, instead served us a 30-day notice. Long story short, we busted our tails to get out of that house and into a God-provided dream home in the woods! What could have been an incredibly difficult ordeal for our big family turned out to be an opportunity to put roots down in a location we deeply love (Colorado). Verity was blissfully oblivious to our stress, as you can see in these random photos from this time period...others shown are big brother Tobin (helping Verity fold her hands during prayer time) and our sweet T18 friend Ember, who came through our neck of the woods over Labor Day weekend!

OCTOBER - NOVEMBER 2019
Visit from Grandma and Grandpa K in October...we enjoyed a day at the pumpkin patch (pictured: Verity rolling in the corn!) before the first snowfall two days later! We started the process of learning what our options are for preschool and therapies once Verity turns 3. The picture of Verity and me in purple was taken during an initial evaluation with the Child Find coordinator in our school district. (We wore purple...despite our smiles, we remember and honor our friend Beckett Hope, who unexpectedly went to meet Jesus in early November.) Verity is shown next in her CPAP mask at night, with a little silk sleeping cap made by one of her nurses since Verity had rubbed a bald spot on the right side of her head (combo of preferring to sleep on her right side + CPAP mask). The bald spot is still there, but smaller, and not nearly as noticeable! Another big event for our family: Verity's daddy retired from the Air Force after 22+ years of service! Having been told that in order to stay on active duty status, we would have to relocate our family, my husband decided enough was enough. It's been a good run; we are proud to have served our family; but it's time to grow some roots! Verity was a huge part of that decision. She is stable with caregivers, therapists, and specialists who know her history and are invested in her well-being. Additionally, we have kids graduating from high school who have been dragged around the world their whole lives, and we are thankful we can give them a place to truly, finally, call HOME. Spending Thanksgiving with all our Colorado family was especially sweet--our first Thanksgiving in our new home, with Ted officially retired. God is good.

DECEMBER 2019 - PRESENT
The ponytail photo I thought was a fun comparison to the first one of this massive post with her two teeny ponies. She's grown a bit, and so has her hair!! Christmas was so magical this year...Verity really engages more with her surroundings, and she stared at the Christmas lights, absolutely mesmerized. When lying on the floor near the tree, she managed to scoot and wiggle her way underneath the branches, where she could play with the lights and tree itself. The other pictures are a slice of life...she's not fond of therapy, but she does occasionally bear some weight on her legs! She isn't yet sitting up completely by herself for more than 30-60 seconds at a time, but we know she COULD if she WANTED to! She isn't officially crawling, but she can maneuver and roll around. She has a Kid Walk on loan, which allows us to get her standing in her AFOs, and then she is free to make it move. (I'll try to get a video, but that will have to be posted on Facebook.) I know there were a lot of appointments the latter part of 2019 as we crammed things in before Ted went off active-duty status. Nothing major happened or changed, though we did start patching Verity's right eye for longer periods. (We started doing that in May when we noticed her left eye getting a bit lazy.) She continues to grow at her own pace, finally breaking past 20 pounds and measuring about 32 inches. We continue to work at increasing her G-tube feeds slowly.

Without a doubt, our girl is living her best life now! Lord willing, I will chronicle the details of this year's adventures here on our blog more faithfully so we can have concrete details to refer to in the future when today's memories grow fuzzy. Meanwhile...I think it's telling that I did set aside a medium which provided such needed outlet during a traumatic time--immediately after our diagnosis through the steep learning curve of the months that followed. We got caught up in the daily routines of life...in fact, we've taken our life for granted, something I swore I wouldn't do. Oh, we have had harsh reminders, to be sure. More little ones went to heaven last year--for me personally, the losses of Kace and Beckett were probably the most difficult, but it's NEVER easy reading about another child with a Trisomy condition who leaves parents, siblings, and friends behind. I always squeeze Verity tightly, even when she wants to wiggle away from me. But then more time slips past, and I lapse into the ins and outs of our busy life. Oldest daughter is getting married this summer; oldest son is graduating from high school. Our 4th child became a teenager today, and my little ones...aren't quite so little anymore.

I guess it's all I can do to cherish what I can, when I can.

Let Freedom Ring!

This is an Independence Day post, but I will start with a flashback to Christmas vacation when I was tucking my 3 little boys in bed. Lucan, my 8yo, was talking about something (I don't recall what exactly) that would happen in the future, and he was rattling off the ages he and his siblings would be at the time. His words were matter of fact: "I'll be 12, Zaden will be 10, Seanin will be 8, Rhema will be 6, and Verity will be 4, if she's still alive."

If she's still alive?!?!

My breath caught in my throat, and a knot formed in my stomach.

I don't remember how that conversation ended, whether I said anything in particular or not. I only remember standing outside of the bedroom after the door was closed and sobbing my eyes out.

Two months later, on February 28, 2018, Verity turned one year old. It was a huge milestone. Statistics we had heard since Verity was in utero indicated if she reached that one-year birthday, she would be one of the 5-10% who did.

The very next morning, March 1, Lucan ran upstairs to find his baby sister. When he saw her, his eyes grew round, and he shouted with excitement, "She's still alive!!!"

The weight of his surprise settled on my shoulders with a heavy realization: my sweet, tenderhearted son thought Verity would succumb to statistics now that her birthday was over.

And it hit me that twice now, my son had voiced the uncertainty of the burden under which we all were living, even if we didn't talk about it or acknowledge it...even if we didn't realize it was there to begin with.

Verity's birthday party came and went. Appointments, therapies, sleepless nights, little developments and progress, an overnight stay in the hospital, a bit of regression, more appointments and therapies, another hospital admission, recovery, more appointments and therapies, more developments...days slipped into weeks, which turned into months. And at some point in the middle of all this daily LIFE, I experienced a startling realization.

We had spent pretty much all of Verity's first year of life holding our breath, waiting...in a sense...to see if she would die.

Does that sound absolutely awful? I was heartbroken when I realized how true it was. We had said goodbye to more little ones in our Trisomy community than I could have imagined possible. Some of our closest little friends were in and out of the hospital, some fighting for their lives and making miraculous recoveries, while others fought valiantly only to slip away.

The unspoken question in our house for so many months--How long would Verity be with us?--somehow evaporated. We submitted requests for therapeutic and adaptive equipment. We registered for the Support Organization for Trisomy family conference. We stopped subconsciously wondering whether our baby would leave us and simply enjoyed living with her.

Do you know what that is, friends?

Freedom.

Freedom from fear and worry.
Freedom from uncertainty.
Freedom from depression and anxiety.
Freedom to savor and relish the little things.
Freedom from expectations.
Freedom to simply...be.

I'd be lying if I said we never feel fear creeping in. (A bout with aspiration pneumonia terrified me as I watched my baby struggle to breathe.) And I'd be misleading you if I said I never deal with uncertainty, or if I said I have managed to perfectly enjoy and cherish Every Single Moment instead of being concerned with what's for dinner or whether the toilets have been cleaned recently.

But overall? Our lives are characterized by far more joy than nail-biting fear. This is a testimony to the grace of God in our lives, to the growth He has allowed us to experience because of the sweet and precious gift He gave us in Verity.

I've told friends that I feel as though we have come out of a long, dark tunnel, that we are finally able to see the light and the beauty every day even though some days are still really hard.

And that to me is FREEDOM.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,

  to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

--Isaiah 61:1-3

Birthday Bliss

Where does the time go?! It's been over a month since we had Verity's birthday party (theme: "Joy comes in the morning"), but I still smile in delight when I think about that special day. Out-of-town guests included my parents and two dear friends who flew to Colorado to spend some time with us and help prepare for the part. On party day, the weather was beautiful--sunny and warm--and we welcomed dozens of friends and loved ones who chose to spend part of their weekend celebrating this milestone with us. It was so precious to visit with everyone and to testify to God's faithfulness in this journey. 

We don't have any way of knowing how many more birthdays we will be able to celebrate with Verity, but somehow, now that we've passed the One Year Milestone, it seems as if we've let out a collective sigh of relief. We don't take for granted the time we have with her, but neither are we anxious about impending doom, a feeling that weighed us down for much of the past year. We know with Trisomy 18 we will never be completely free of a hovering "what if," but Lord willing, we are learning to treasure the moments we do have--not only with Verity, but with each of our children, for we know that our lives are but a mist in light of eternity. May we rise each morning with joy in our hearts no matter the circumstances.

The Other Side of the Coin

Tomorrow is Verity’s first birthday! Tomorrow we celebrate having her with us for a whole year. Other first birthdays have come and gone, but this one—pardon the pun—takes the cake! When we learned Verity’s diagnosis, I thought I would be planning for a funeral. Never did it cross my mind in the weeks following that awful phone call that maybe, just maybe, we would someday be printing invitations and buying streamers and looking at cake ideas for her first birthday party.

There is another side to this coin, however, and I want to share a quick glimpse at the life of another Trisomy 18 girl named Nori. Here she is—isn’t she a doll?

Verity and Nori are birthday buddies! Both girls will turn 1 tomorrow! I’ve only recently begun to get to know Nori’s sweet mama, who lives over a thousand miles away. And though our daughters share a birthday and the same diagnosis, their stories are so incredibly different.

Verity spent 18 days in the NICU. Nori is still waiting to go home!

Verity has had 2 surgeries (tenotomy and g-tube). Nori has had 4, including open heart surgery.

Verity’s biggest problems seem to be GI related. Nori has a trach, has endured chemo, and is now cancer free! (I know, right?! She is INCREDIBLE!)

Two Trisomy 18 families; two very different stories. I am so thankful that sweet Nori is doing all right (although suffering some minor setbacks that keep delaying her from going HOME), but there is no denying that she, her parents, and her siblings have had a much more difficult road than we have traveled with Verity. (To read more, please see the fundraiser page a friend has set up for them.)

But…both girls are alive. They’ve beaten so many odds, and they will celebrate a huge milestone tomorrow.

And that—that is really the other side of the Trisomy 18 coin, the fact that we celebrate what so many cannot.

I can’t deny that as excited as I am to sing “Happy Birthday” to Verity tomorrow (and again at her party on Saturday), there is a tinge of sadness that I just can’t shake. I now know too many mamas who will never get to wish their babes a happy first birthday—or perhaps even another birthday. I know too many mamas who didn’t even get to meet their little ones alive. I ache for the parents who aren't sure if they really made the right decisions, for the siblings who don’t understand why they can’t kiss baby brother or sister one more time.

And honestly? I don't understand it either. Why do our babies live and others don't? 

Sometimes we hear well-intentioned sentiments. 

"She is so loved! That's why she's doing so well." But...other children were (and still are) loved.

"So many people have been praying!" Well, I'm sure people prayed for the children who passed, too. (I myself have prayed fervently for little ones who didn't make it.)

"God has special plans for this girl." Yes, just like He has plans for all children...but some plans clearly include welcoming little ones to heaven before their parents.

Do you see the dilemma? On the one hand, so much to be thankful for, so much joy and hope. On the other hand, such sorrow as I cannot—simply cannot—wrap my head around, for I have not (yet) been called upon to walk that road. (Jesus, be merciful...help me whenever that time must come.)

I suppose that in a sense, I am still living in a cloud of uncertainty much like during the pregnancy with Verity. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us. Yet with 364 days behind us, life with our little girl is, quite simply, Today. 

Today...I will take care of you as best as I know how.

Today...I will hold you close.

Today...I will thank God for the gift of you.

Today...I will love you with all that I am.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...Ecclesiastes 3:1

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:24