Feeling Loved

When you receive a book in the mail from a friend the same day a different friend sends you a link for that same book...

When you receive multiple hand-written expressions of support and encouragement in your mailbox...

When your phone buzzes throughout the day with messages brimming with prayer and God's promises...

How can I help but feel God's tender love?!

Supportive Friends, Part 2: Connections

Our family has been overwhelmed (in a good way!) by the love and support we have seen over the last few weeks. One way a number of people have reached out to us is by sending messages telling us about someone they know or have heard of who has experienced a similar pregnancy diagnosis to ours.

I think it's human nature to desire and seek out connections with others who have commonalities with us. Being more of an extrovert myself, I usually thrive on relationships, both in-person and online. But I have a confession to make...right now, I don't feel I have the mental or emotional capacity to personally respond to what feels like an inundation of new contacts. While our family made the decision to be very open with Verity's story, letting others in to read about and experience this journey with us (if they desire), I am not sure I'm ready to venture too far out of my "comfort zone" just yet. 

Do I accept all of these "Friend Requests" from people I don't know personally? Do I need to write to everyone whose contact information I've been given? After pondering and praying for awhile, I feel peace about saying NO in many cases. 

This is not to say I don't want to hear from other families who have already trekked down a path that looks like ours. Indeed, I've already been blessed by some connections set up by mutual friends. It is simply amazing how many folks know someone who has experienced or is currently experiencing something like our journey with Verity. And it's humbling to read so many sweet messages of love and encouragement as friends reach out to me in private messages offering someone else's contact information.

It would be a full-time job to keep up with all these stories...as much as I would love to! So here is a general, blanket response I give here in a public forum, again speaking personally and not necessarily for every parent in my situation: I am happy to hear from others who have been down a similar road, but please know that I do not feel I am in the position to be the one making initial contact. And please do not be offended if I don't reply right away to an offer for a "Trisomy 18 set-up;" it's only because it's not the only "blind date" I've been approached about. ;-) If people would like to email or private message me their story, that is the easiest way for me to absorb information and glean from other people's experiences...on my own time, when I'm emotionally able to handle whatever it may be. (I have yet to watch a video a sweet lady sent me about her own darling baby girl...I started watching it and realized it was set to music...and knew I would be a sobbing mess before it was over!! Since I was getting ready to leave the house shortly afterward, I opted to wait to watch the whole thing!)

From friends who say they really don't know what to say to friends who are moved to share someone's story with me, I have to say we know some truly wonderful people! Please know we are deeply moved by the prayers and concern of so many.

Supportive Friends, Part 1: What to Say??

A sweet long-distance friend, with whom I frequently chat back and forth via a walkie-talkie app, heaved a sigh of apology after she sent me an utterly normal message. Some time after she had recorded this (admittedly snarky) comment (we share a sarcastic sense of humor), she saw a message from me saying I was having an emotionally difficult day. She then felt bad and sent this:

"I never know whether normalcy is best, or talking about Verity is best...so...if ever I just screw it up, please tell me, because I have no idea what I'm doing."

Oh, how I love this dear woman! I have no idea what I'm doing, either!

Truly, I'm not sure how I would be friends with me. What would I say? What should I NOT say?

I can by no means speak for others in situations similar to mine, but for those in my personal circles, I can say that in general...normal is best. But...not at the expense of ignoring what is going on. Does that even make sense? I appreciate trying to have a sense of normalcy and routine. This isn't something I want or need to talk about every single time I see you. At the same time...pretending nothing is wrong and ignoring the elephant in the room feels awkward, too.

There are days when it really doesn't matter what you say to me or how you say it...I'm going to cry on your shoulder whether you're ready for it or not. (Thanks, Brenda, for being brave with and for me Sunday morning right before the service started!!) There are other days when there is inexplicable strength coursing through my veins and I can speak of difficult things without batting an eye. So...possibly the easiest route for those whom I encounter on a regular basis might be to just go with the flow. For your own comfort's sake, you may wish to feel me out with a "How are you holding up today?" type of question...but be prepared for an honest answer, because my emotions are at surface-level these days!

In the grand scheme of things, it honestly does not matter what you say, or even what you don't say. Another friend responded to our news about Verity this way: "I have no idea what to say except that I love you and I care!"

And really, that's all we need to hear from our friends anyway.

Today I Went to an Abortion Clinic

The day it was confirmed that our baby girl has Trisomy 18, I "happened" upon a Facebook post on a friend's page calling for volunteers to take a one-hour shift during the 40 Days for Life campaign to pray and stand peacefully in front of a local Planned Parenthood.

From the time I was a young teen, I have always been passionately pro-life. My stance has never changed--however, I humbly admit my perspective of "the other side" has morphed from one of critical judgment to one full of compassion, grace, and mercy. While I still could never condone abortion, friendships with dear friends who have experienced an abortion have helped me gain a small understanding of the turmoil before, during, and after the traumatic event.

Now I am carrying a child in my womb who has "abnormalities," the kind that leave some mothers feeling a desperate sort of grief, perhaps a feeling that there really is no other option for them other than to abort. And my heart goes out to them. From the beginning of our journey with Verity, we have asserted that abortion is NOT an option for us, because we stand on the truth of God's Word, truth that teaches all humans are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27); that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139); that God knew us before we were even conceived (Jeremiah 1:5); that God has plans for us that reach into eternity (Ephesians 2:8-10).

Because we know the truth, it has set us free from fear and anxiety. This is not to say we do not grieve or feel pain or sadness; on the contrary, we feel and grieve deeply. Agonizingly. Just this morning my husband and I wept together during our prayer time as we shared some of our fears with each other.

But wait--didn't you say you were free from fear?!

Yes. We are free from the fear that paralyzes, fear that hinders us from moving forward in faith. God has NOT given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, of power, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

God's truth gives us joy that can't be explained; peace that is beyond understanding; and hope that does not disappoint. I am thankful beyond words for TRUTH.

And I have considered what the ramifications would be for me, for my family, for Baby Verity...

If I did.
Not.
Know.
Truth.

If all I had was a diagnosis...
If all I knew were the statistics...
If my only counsel were to consider what was best for ME in the here and now...

What would I do? What would I choose?

I can't even imagine.

And so today...I went to an abortion clinic. And I stood with three of my children as cold wind whipped about our faces, smiling and praying blessings over drivers who honked and waved as well as those who shouted obscenities. Praying God will reveal truth to those who are searching as well as to those who think they know it all. Praying God's people will reach out with love and compassion to those who are in desperate circumstances as well as to those who simply feel inconvenienced.

Today...and always...I stand for life.
Because I carry a precious life within me.
Because I enjoy the beauty of life on earth.
And because through Jesus I have the gift of eternal life.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Navigating a New Normal

These days I feel I have a better understanding of those who have experienced the loss of a close loved one. My parents are both still living; the closest family members who have passed away are my grandmother (the only living grandparent for all of my growing-up years) and my father-in-law, who passed away 3 years after my wedding. As deeply as I loved these two people, I know my sadness pales in comparison to what my dad felt when his mother died and what my husband still feels after 16 years of doing life without his own father.

Our current situation is incredibly different, yet the sense of loss is all too real. Verity is still very much alive. I feel her movements more and more each day. I have marveled over the years at how wondrous it is to feel a human being growing and taking shape within my own body--I have never gotten over those fluttery kicks that later become stronger jabs and sharp pokes. Whether it is the first or the ninth baby, it is an indescribable feeling.

And feeling a live, wiggly baby...while not knowing just how long she might be alive...is such a strange, strange place emotionally and mentally.

There is life...and death...all in one thought.

It is exhausting.

I sleep, but not really: I am in a seemingly endless state of weariness that numbs the senses even as it sharpens emotion.

I forget, but not really: I immerse myself in necessary activities (homeschooling and home management after a fashion), and when that time of focus ends, I remember reality once again.

And it hurts.

This is life in our new normal. We continue with our routine as much as possible, for there is comfort and security in the familiar, especially where the children are concerned. Yet we give ourselves and each other grace upon grace, for who can function in a fog?

Life in this fog has strange yet beautiful paradoxes.
Joy in sadness.
Peace with uncertainty.
Physical fatigue, spiritual rest.

I'm not sure how to end this post...this is where we are at.

Peace, Hope, Joy, and Love

This morning I am meditating on and rejoicing in the truth from Romans 5:1-5...

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Worship in the Storm of Suffering

Last Sunday morning I wrote the following to my prayer circle:

This morning I am torn. I long for music, prayer, corporate worship, and hearing from the Lord through His servants. But I dread facing our church family--some of whom already know [about Verity's diagnosis], but many others who don't. I can't stay home and hide forever. But I am not sure I'm ready to face this in a large group setting. We are very much in prayer about how and when to share publicly; our biggest desire is to bring the sacrifice of praise to our loving Father, the fruit of lips that confess His holy name. Salvation is found in no other name!

One of my dear friends, mentors, and ministry and prayer partners responded with this, below, which I share with her permission. It was a fitting response, especially in light of the fact that we celebrated the Lord's Supper during our church service (I did, in fact, end up attending the service with my family, sans mascara and with extra tissues in my pocket).

Oh my sweet friend. You are in a type of no man's land of sorrow and grief...I started to write something more and then received a picture of our Lord Jesus on the cross. Often we hear, and as believers we agree, that we are to walk with our Lord in His suffering....today I had the image of Jesus having to yield his flesh to the perfect will of the Father and He had to do so to the point of death. I saw a bloody, bruised, and brutalized Jesus. 

So how does this apply to the life of little Verity? She is God's perfect plan for you and Ted. You are carrying life, a sign of the love between the two of you and of the oneness of your relationship with God. You praise Him for life and you are continuing to praise Him not only with your lips, that sacrifice of praise, but with your continued devotion to Him as you walk out His plan in the midst of sorrow, grief, and the pain of a broken heart. You are actively yielding your flesh to walk out His purpose, to fulfill His plan. Jesus had to yield His human flesh to pay the price, to bring the gift of salvation. You are wrestling...not against God, but rather that wrestling of desiring to bring that sacrifice of praise in the midst of your sorrow and suffering and how to do that in a way that honors Him. My temptation is to retreat to my Father's arms in times of grief and not let humanity in to observe my pain and suffering. I know He will give me rest but then I thought about Jesus...His suffering was visible...he groaned, cried out, was tormented, and felt abandoned by God. And then the victory..."into your hands I commend my spirit...it is finished." 

We are able to walk through the whole process and celebrate the perfect plan of the Father revealed in the suffering of Jesus. We know the end of the story. It makes reading it easier....I know that you are fully human and God loves you with an everlasting love. He has placed [Verity] inside of you, to grow and be nurtured by you, protected by you, loved by you. He has made her visible to the world through your growing and changing body. He has also given you knowledge that her life is compromised and she might not live to birth. This is contrary to what we  expect when bringing life into the world...and Jesus' suffering and sacrifice is contrary to what most people expect when thinking of the Son of God. The question is why did God choose the sacrifice of His only son to bring salvation to the world? Wasn't there another way? Why is this God's plan for Verity? For you and Ted and your family? As your flesh groans, you ARE praising Him. Each word you share about your desire to bring honor to God is praising Him. As you share your sorrow and still walk through the process (yielding your flesh) to His purpose you are praising Him, as you love and desire this little girl, IT IS an act of praise in our fallen world. Sharing with your church family and allowing them to see the reality of the yielding of the flesh, in the midst of pain and sorrow, to the perfect will of God is a high calling...one for which you have been well prepared.