The Greatest of These Is Love

Last night was so very exhausting. In the evening I left the house with my husband for our small group meeting time, having just blown my top at the people I love most dearly in all the world. Typical mom-ranting-and-raving stuff...feeling like no one is listening to me and/or doing the exact opposite of what I've asked them to do...utter chaos everywhere I look, a child snitching food I'm planning to take for our own shared dinner, a sick teenager, someone crying...

I said my piece and marched out to the car because what more could I do?! We were already late and if I kept talking I'd say more things I'd regret. Yet I felt torn. I clearly needed to get away for some spiritual reflection, but it felt so hypocritical to be going to a time of group prayer and Bible study while leaving such a wake of emotional destruction behind me.

It is way too easy to "excuse" or rationalize moments like this as a normal overflow of the tremendous stress we're living under these days. But honestly? I have struggled with lack of patience, gentleness, kindness, LOVE, and, yes, wisdom and maturity for...well, my whole life. I know God uses our circumstances to make us more like Jesus. I WANT to be refined, but I very much dislike the fire. I WANT to be conformed to His image, but I very much dislike the pressures of being molded.

While I do believe I have grown in many ways over the last couple of decades, I often feel like the sullen, self-centered teenager that I know I was (particularly after my parents uprooted me and moved our family from urban Dallas to rural Walworth County right before my sophomore year). I don't guard my words. I lash out, speaking in hasty anger. I sigh and feel resentful, bitter, misunderstood, frustrated. Like the Apostle Paul, "I do not understand my own actions....I do the very thing I hate....I have the desire to do good, but not the ability to carry it out" (Romans 7).

And then I get over myself and feel awful, realizing that words wound and whether or not I had the "right" to be angry or upset about something, the relationships represented in these encounters are far more important than proving a point. I often ask for forgiveness (probably not often enough), and I am humbled at how quickly it is lovingly granted, with little arms (or long ones!) wrapping me in a hug as I hear "I love you."

How is it that we imperfect humans can reflect Jesus so beautifully at times? Unconditional love and forgiveness freely granted...how beautiful, how humbling that even my smallest children teach me more and more about God's love.

Faith. Hope. Love. 1 Corinthians 13.

Perhaps I should have expected that in the most trying times, in this season of knowing about Verity and yet not knowing enough about Verity, each of these qualities would be tested. My faith, as I wrestle with my own limited expectations not only of God, but of His plan for me and for my family. My hope, as I tread the fine line between praying for the best yet preparing for the worst...and often not knowing exactly what I think the "best" or the "worst" even looks like.

And my love? Wow. So challenging to realize that all too often, I love generously only when it is easy and convenient. But when I'm struggling so very much myself, when I feel empty? When I'm afraid or depressed? I don't know what to say other than I believe God is growing His heart of love in me. Because truly? I got nothin'. And yet somehow the love keeps flowing. Thank you, Lord.