Waiting for Spring

My grown-up self has never been fond of winter. Growing up in Texas, I was eager as any kid to see a REAL snowfall, enough to make an actual snowman and go sledding. In my memories of Christmas visits to exotic places like Wisconsin and New Mexico, my brother and I romped in snowdrifts with cousins and stomped through woods with my dad and aunt to chop down a tree for decorating. I have no memory whatsoever of cold temperatures, only of the sweet delight that came from being out in the wild, wonderful, beautiful world of winter.

Then I grew up and realized how much I despise being cold, how much I dread the loss of the sun’s light and warmth and comfort. Though at times I can live vicariously through the children’s exuberance, I mostly dislike the bundle-everyone-up routine before we leave the house, invariably searching for lost mittens, hats, and boots while struggling with reluctant zippers. Truly I could spend all winter inside my house and never step foot outside…if it weren’t for so many extra bodies in the same house, driving me to eventual insanity with their boundless energy and boisterous voices (to put it mildly).

Winter is fabulous—in December, when snowmen and Christmas lights are part of the magic of holiday festivities. But then January comes, with dreary, colorless days. I’m already tired of sub-freezing temperatures, dirty gray snow, icy wind, and face-numbing dashes from the house to the van to the store and back. I long for spring, for the freedom to take a walk without cumbersome winter gear, for the ease in taking or sending children outside to play without concern for frostbite.

Spring. New life. New hope.

The fact that Verity is due toward the end of winter has not escaped me. Truly we are in a season of winter, sorting through all kinds of nuanced emotions, tracing trails of thoughts that we have never before had to follow. And I cannot deny that this winter is hard. Dark and cold, depressing and even oppressing at times.

But. We do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). And we encourage one another (verse 18)—or at least allow ourselves to BE encouraged—by the words of truth.

“Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” Job 2:10

“In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other…” Ecclesiastes 7:14

I am grateful for an eternal, unchanging God, my Rock in tumultuous, changing circumstances. I am grateful He not only hears my cries…He also knows and understands my pain and confusion.

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16

I am grateful for loved ones who allow me the freedom to cry and rant and wallow in the pain and difficulty of fear and uncertainty—and yet gently remind me (or pray for the Holy Spirit to remind me!) that God will use every facet of this journey in order to conform us to the likeness of Jesus and to bring Him eternal glory.

I am grateful that I can sit in the presence of a holy God, unafraid and unashamed to spill out my true thoughts and feelings.

I am grateful that He loves me enough to never let me go, and even if I’m angry and acting and feeling unlovable, He still holds me close.

I wrote in my prayer journal a few days ago:

I don’t really find much solace in prayer these days….I go through the spiritual motions of following you, because what else can I do?? To whom else would I go?? There is no one else in heaven but you, and earth has nothing for me [Psalm 73:25]. You have the words of eternal life [John 6:68]. I may not like what all the words say at every point in this journey of life, but I acknowledge you alone are Truth, you are Sovereign, you are GOOD. And so I follow. I obey. My heart may not be leaping for joy, but I’m not leaving.

We walk by faith, not by sight…we walk by faith, not by feelings. Thank God for the gift of faith!

And thank God for the gift of Spring. For it WILL come. And we will appreciate the warmth, the sunshine, and the signs of new life all the more because of the cold, dark days of winter.

Whatever happens with Verity...we know the truth. And the truth sets us free and allows us to rejoice in the new life God has given us: literal life on earth as we bring forth another child into this world, but even more important, eternal life with Him, a life that will make everything on earth fade away as we step out of the darkness of winter and into everlasting spring.

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning…

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever! Psalm 30:5b, 11-12

Morning may not be here…yet…

I may not be dancing…yet…

Spring hasn’t arrived…yet…

But I’m learning there is no shame in allowing myself to weep in the winter.