Footloose and Fancy Free!

It's hard to believe Verity's tenotomy surgery was a month ago today! After a scary reaction to some medication, she actually did quite well recovering, and life was a lot more calm than we had anticipated it would be. Of course...we realized WHY it was so calm the morning after Thanksgiving: Verity was plotting her escape! Would you believe she managed to get her right leg entirely out of her cast! (There are more photos and details on her Facebook page, Verity's Voice...maybe try this photo link.)

After a trip to the ED for temporary splints on 23 November, she got recast on Monday when the clinic opened...this time by casting techs who knew what they were doing and made sure there was a bend at her knees! So THOSE casts worked very well for the remainder of the 22 days she had to wear them! (I know she looks so sad in this photo...she was doing amazing work with her therapist, but clearly she wasn't too happy about it, lol. Fear not, the therapist gives her a break when she needs it!)

Cast-wearing quickly became a means of working out her abs, as Verity clunked and banged her legs up and down--with the brace between her ankles (put there to keep her hips open since the tendons in her groin area were also lengthened), it was definitely a good core workout simply to move and groove the way she wanted to!

So yesterday was the long-awaited cast-removal day! In the second picture below, you can see Verity covering her face--this is her way of shutting out people or experiences she decides she doesn't want to put up with, ha! But at last she was freeeeeeee!

We've been lotioning her legs like crazy, which seems to soothe her. I don't have a great photo (yet) of her temporary plight, which involves removable splint casts to keep her feet flexed until she gets fitted with AFOs (ankle-foot orthotics) a couple days after Christmas. I'm glad I didn't take time to get her fitted for new boots...we anticipated going back to the boots and bar, but after the surgeon examined her, he said that her right foot simply will not flex all the way. He did what he could, but Verity will need a little wedge in her specially fitted AFOs to allow her to bear weight evenly.

Let that sink in...! Bear weight!! Not only will our girl sit on her own (she's awfully close now), but someday, she will stand. Walk. Maybe even run!!

Our girl has some spunk for sure! Just yesterday when she was supposed to be napping, she was practicing sit-ups instead!

We've had other appointments (finally) related to the sleep study we did at the end of September, but I will save those updates for another time. I'm so grateful to be on the other side of this cast experience, and I am loving what I see Verity doing now that her legs and hips are free! Lots of movement (no surprise that she keeps kicking off her splints), lots of rolling back and forth (even onto her belly), and a ton of progress toward sitting on her own. My dream was to have her sitting unaided by Christmas...6 more days...!!

Fifteen Minutes

My baby stopped breathing on her own for 15 minutes today.

Did your stomach drop when you read that? It's been 13 hours since I learned that this is how Verity reacted when she was given fentanyl during a simple, outpatient tenotomy surgery. And my stomach is still churning.

Let's back up a bit and start with the easy part: the tenotomy portion went well. Verity is sporting purple casts attached to a wooden bar. The casts are to keep her Achilles tendons flexed, and the bar is to keep the hip abductors positioned just so. Both sets of tendons underwent this lengthening procedure. Verity will wear the casts/bar for 4 weeks. (Note to self: Call to schedule the cast-removal appointment. My brain could not handle making that phone call today.)

I knew Verity would be completely under anesthesia for this surgery. She has been under twice before (once for her g-tube placement and once for a sedated hearing test), and both times she had zero issues.

What I did NOT know was that fentanyl was part of today's protocol. I had asked upon arrival what the pain management plan was, and a couple different nurses assured me the doctor would go over that with me. It was about 45 minutes between when I asked and when it was surgery time. They allowed me to carry Verity to the operating room and be with her while she went under, and then someone whisked me away. Honestly, I totally forgot to pursue the medication question...(trust me, I've carried the weight of guilt because of my memory lapse)...I had realized that Verity's feeding pump and supplies had fallen out of her diaper bag, and I was anxious to grab them and return before they called me back.

It probably took me about 15 minutes to retrieve those supplies from my vehicle...15 minutes during which I had NO IDEA an anesthesiologist was doing the work of breathing for my daughter.

I had hardly sat down in the surgical waiting area when it was all over: an attendant walked me to the post-op room, where I found a very sound asleep Verity and got the run-down from the post-op nurse.

I did not hear about the fentanyl.

We waited and watched Verity. Her sats and heart rate were good, respirations were low (10-11), but that was to be expected, they said.

Verity slept. And slept. And slept.

The anesthesiologist came by to check on her. He said nothing about the incident. Nothing at all about the fact that my baby had stopped breathing while under his care.

Verity continued to sleep.

The surgeon came by to check on her. He said nothing about the incident. He did say he only recommended ibuprofen for the pain.

Verity continued to sleep. And as the two-hour mark approached and she was still sleeping, we tried some creative measures to wake her up. We got close...and then she would go right back to sleep. I wondered if I should be getting worried, but her color was good and by this time she no longer even needed the blow-by oxygen.

The post-op nurse has 40 years of nursing experience, and she was pretty calm. But I think by this point she was getting a little concerned herself. The nurse talked out loud as if reassuring us both that it wasn't too surprising that it was taking longer for Verity to wake up...after all, she's definitely a "lightweight." After all, it was only a little bit of fentanyl that made her stop breathing for 15 minutes.

WHAT?!

I have learned I am not very quick on my feet when things like this happen. It really took me all afternoon to process all of this: I wasn't told my daughter--my almost-21-month-old, 17-pound daughter with special needs--would be given fentanyl, a drug that has killed children in the Trisomy community. Furthermore, the doctors who had my daughter in their care...literally held her life in their hands...did not tell me that she stopped breathing for 15 minutes. The only reason I learned this happened was because the post-op nurse made a passing comment. I had spent nearly 2 hours with her and even SHE did not mention this staggeringly important detail!

Am I crazy to think this is a rather vital detail to be left out of the post-op narrative?!

I have contacted our PCM and received a reply from his nurse right away--she wants me to call the patient advocate at the hospital to get it documented and request a call back from the provider. I do wish I had been able to say something while I was there in person...I think I was so stunned, and then I also needed reassurance that it was in fact all right for me to take Verity home after all this had happened. She did wake up more or less "for good" about 3 hours after surgery, and we have monitored her all day and she has done better than expected, actually. I anticipated a rough few days and nights...she napped well this afternoon, and though the evening was a bit difficult, she is resting well now with her pulse oximeter on and nasal cannula in place.

But let the records show...fentanyl will NOT be given to Verity AGAIN!!!

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for protecting our precious girl today. May she (and we) ever glorify you no matter what...

Current Status (Quo)

I can't believe it's been 2 months since I wrote a blog post! Do you know what that means?! We've been experiencing some kind of NORMAL! That is to say...we've been living the busy life with our kids, and Verity has been growing and developing and thriving in the midst of it all.

So with a bit of time and a quiet house, I decided an update was way past due, especially since we do have some things to report that we haven't detailed on Verity's Voice (our Facebook page).

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First of all, I am pleased to report that Verity's feeding regimen continues to improve as we work toward a more "normal" feeding routine. We are up to 3 bolus feedings now, with only 14 hours of slow continuous feeding, running 4pm to 7am. This means Verity has quite a bit more TUBE-FREE time during which she can practice her moving and grooving! It is SO nice to be able to hold her, carry her, and help her with her physical skills when she doesn't have her "leash" on! While she still isn't eating by mouth, we are doing more and more tasting and doing so while she is having her bolus feeds so that she can begin associating food with a full (or filling) tummy.

So her feeding schedule looks like this:

• 0700: Turn off the feeding pump (ending the continuous feeding)
• 0800: Begin bolus #1: 75ml over a 30-minute period (rate of 150ml/hr)
• 1100: Begin bolus #2: 75ml over a 30-minute period (rate of 150ml/hr)
• 1400: Begin bolus #3: 75ml currently at a rate of 85ml/hr, with rate increases of 5ml/hr every 3 days.
• 1600: Begin continuous feeding: 34ml/hr for the next 14 hours.

Typically during the first 2 bolus feeds, Verity will sit upright at the table in her chair. She has had tastes of applesauce and sweet potatoes by spoon (or on her pacifier), and we also frequently give her a food "stick" to hold and explore with her mouth. She has tried carrot and celery sticks, cucumbers, and apple slices so far. One of her day nurses wants to try a big pretzel rod! Verity's interest level varies from day to day, but I'm in no hurry. She's GROWING!

And speaking of which, I don't have exact measurements--we should get some this week since we have a couple of appointments--but last time we weighed her she was about 16lbs, 12oz, although that was with clothes on. STILL...she had dropped under 16 pounds awhile back when she was fighting off a sickness, so this is encouraging!!

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Last week we had a 6-month check-up with the orthopedic doctor. The good news: Verity's hip X-ray shows all is continuing to look good. The doctor says she should have yearly X-rays as long as she is growing.

The bad news: Verity's Achilles tendons have tightened considerably, and the tendons in her groin are likewise still very, very tight despite the stretching exercises we do faithfully and frequently. So, a November 19 surgery date is scheduled for a tenotomy to release those tendons. After the brief procedure (which will require sedation), Verity will get full-leg casts with a brace between her legs. She will need to wear those for 3-4 weeks, and then we will resume the boots and bar (which we have discontinued at this time).

So...if you think of us during Thanksgiving week, please pray that Verity's surgery goes uneventfully and that she has minimal pain and recovers quickly. We are already dreading the lack of sleep that will undoubtedly accompany this process!

Below you can see her left foot, which is "rocker bottomed," a common feature in Trisomy 18 kiddos. Until our appointment last week, I had not heard a doctor describe her foot in this way. I assumed it looked different from the other foot simply because they were both severely clubbed and had to go through the casting process (a year and a half ago!). You can also see the back of the heel, which will not flex any more than this even if we are trying to help her do so. The right heel is much more affected than the left...we have not been able to get that foot flat onto her boots for some time now, so I was not terribly surprised when I heard the doctor's recommendations.

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In other very quick news:

• Verity's sleep patterns have improved DRASTICALLY! She usually will take a 2 or even 3-hour nap (although sometimes only 45 minutes or an hour) in the afternoon. If she gets a good nap, she typically does have a pretty decent night of sleep. She is even sleeping all the way through the night on occasion!
• I have successfully completed CNA training and passed the Colorado state exam! This involved 4 weeks of night classes and clinical experience, followed by a full day of written and skills testing. I am officially a certified nurse aid! What does this mean? Well...
• In the state of Colorado, family members are allowed to receive payment to care for their disabled loved one. There is an assessment tool that tells how many hours per day one can qualify for, and when a caregiver is certified (or licensed or registered, depending on what level of care), he or she can be hired through a home health agency. I work through the same agency that provides our skilled nursing care, and I'm quite pleased with the training and preparation I received through this whole process. I chart for 4 hours a day, and it amazes me that we are blessed to receive financial help for the tasks I was already doing with Verity. What a GIFT! The Lord knew we needed to be in this state for multiple reasons, and this is just one way He has tenderly shown His provision for us. Jehovah-Jireh, indeed. 
• I will detail later the results of the sleep study we had at the end of September, as I still need to meet with the ENT and later on the sleep clinic doctor.
• Tomorrow we have a liver scan and kidney ultrasound--we do this every 3 months, although this will be Verity's first liver scan. Our T18 kiddos have a higher chance of cancer/tumors, so it's proactive vigilance. 

Where's the Hope?

On Thursday I checked our mail for the first time in a few days and found a sweet package for Verity. I love the message from my friends at Hope for Trisomy*. These tangible gifts of love and support brightened my day. (Thank you, Erin!!!)

On Friday I learned that Karson, a sweet, beautiful, recently-turned-five-year-old girl with Trisomy 18, went to be with Jesus. I had gone to bed praying for her after seeing her mama's frantic post about a last-ditch effort to save Karson with ECMO. It didn't work.

Where's the hope in that?

This jolt to the Trisomy community reminded me of another recent bitter loss. On the 4th of July I saw photos of smiling Maddy radiating sunshine in her red-white-and-blue, and the next day she was gone. Just...gone.

Where's the hope in that?

My sweet friend Kirsten was forced to say goodbye to Heath, a special needs boy who left her womb early to join brother Gavin (who had Trisomy 18) in heaven.

Losing two special boys back to back. Where's the hope in that?

Fernando went to heaven on Good Friday, just before getting to celebrate his 4th birthday. He left behind loving parents and a proud big brother who wanted to tell his new class last week all about how special his brother in heaven is.

A grieving family left with only memories. Where's the hope in that?

As I sit reflecting on what is happening in our little Trisomy world, I ponder and pray for families who are facing chemo...getting tests done and waiting for answers...preparing for open heart surgery...caring for their little ones through sicknesses at home and in the hospital. (We ourselves are on the tail end of a fight with aspiration pneumonia that landed Verity in the hospital for a brief stay.)

In the midst of it all...in the midst of tests and sicknesses and therapies and surgeries...we hope.

Hope for Trisomy? Yes. Yes, there is.

Our own Trisomy journey has taught us that hope looks different at various points along the way. During pregnancy, I hoped I would meet Verity alive. Now, 18 months later, we have hope that someday Verity will sit up by herself, move herself around (whatever that looks like), and communicate with us (whatever that looks or sounds like).

We have hope that we will have many more experiences with our girl this side of heaven.

And yes...even though we don't really like to think about it...our hearts still hold onto the truth that ultimately, we DO have the hope of heaven awaiting us, an eternity in which Verity and her Trisomy brothers and sisters will laugh, sing, dance, and play without hindrance.

I can't pretend to know how it feels to lose my child. I only know how hard it hits me, every time it happens, even though in most cases I've never met the family in person. But the death of a Trisomy child affects everyone in the community. It's all too easy to put ourselves in the place of the grieving parent, because it's something we've all imagined happening, whether we admit it to others or not. But does the threat of death remove all hope in life?

What about this? Does the reality of a difficult life remove hope FOR life?

It's worth pondering. I remember the point during my pregnancy when I realized it was time to stop preparing for Verity to die and start preparing for her to LIVE. And I had to face the fact that her LIVING would look much different than any of our other children's lives.

Where's the hope in that?

Where's the hope?

I'll tell you. I see hope every day. I see it in the smile of a little girl who didn't smile for months. I see it in the giggles and grins she now gives her brothers and sisters. I see it all over her face when her daddy comes home and sings her special song. I see it in the twinkle in her eyes when she pushes against me wanting to be rocked. I see it in the kicking of her legs, the workings of her fingers, hands that used to be clenched so tightly. I see hope in motion as Verity rolls herself and works hard during therapy, doing things we never dreamed she could do a year ago.

I see hope in the form of a wheelchair that will grow with her. I see hope in the form of a committed family chipping in to make sure Verity has what she needs when she needs it. I see hope in the love and care her nurses have for her as they cheer her on each day and night they spend with her. I see hope in a medical community at large that is finally starting to understand the potential our kids have to grow and thrive with proper interventions.

I see hope everywhere Verity's life shines.

And it's a beautiful thing.

"...and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." --Romans 5:2b-5

*Hope for Trisomy's Addy Grace gift is inspired by the life of Addalyn Grace, who lived for 26 months with Trisomy 18. Sweet Addy was one of the "older" children I connected with through my newfound online community. Her mom, Erin, did a special post every day in March (Trisomy Awareness Month), which I looked forward to every day since at the time I was in the NICU with our newborn Verity. Erin's love for her only daughter was so evident...even more, her love for Jesus shone in every post. My heart broke when Addy unexpectedly went to heaven. Through the heartbreak, Erin and Jay continue to express the hope found only in Jesus Christ. They continue to be active in the Trisomy community and have touched far more lives than they will ever know.

S.O.F.T. Conference

For photos of our adventure, see our Facebook album here!

On July 18 we drove to Omaha, Nebraska, for our first trip since moving to Colorado just over a year ago. We had been looking forward to the annual conference put on by S.O.F.T. (Support Organization for Trisomy 18, 13, and Related Disorders). Well, to clarify, Ted and I were looking forward to the conference, while the rest of the family excitedly made plans to meet up with their friends in the local area since we lived there from 2015 - 2017!

Anyway...the drive was fairly uneventful, though Verity did have a small bout of emesis during the drive. We decided to forego the bolus feeding during our driving days, and we simply maintained her feeding regimen while we were in Omaha. Overall she did pretty well, though it was obvious she knew she was not in her normal environment, and that did cause her some distress. (But it also gave us opportunity for some great cuddling sessions, since at least Mommy and Daddy were familiar and brought her comfort!) So there wasn't a whole lot of quality sleep, but we figured that would be the case going into this experience!

Here's a rundown of our trip:

WEDNESDAY
Driving day! Left our home at 7:45am (mountain time). Arrived at the conference hotel at 5:45pm, just in time to check in and get our conference bags. Then we checked in at our overnight hotel and went to Sinful Burger, a favorite restaurant of our family's. We met several friends there and enjoyed visiting. We said goodbye to the older 4 kids, who went to various houses to spend the night with friends, and had a rather restless night in the hotel room with the other 5 children.

THURSDAY
We dropped 4 kids off in the child care room and went to our first session, which touched on various legalities surrounding guardianships and trusts for special needs individuals. We didn't take notes but it was good information, and we did learn that there are so many differences from state to state that really the speaker was somewhat constrained in what she could tell us, as she works in Nebraska, but she was very knowledgeable and gave a fairly understandable overview of what kinds of things might be possible from state to state.

Our 3 little boys left after this session, as a friend of mine came to pick them up and take them to the zoo with her kids, followed by an overnight and more activities, so we were down to only 2 children for awhile, lol.

The next session covered ways to prevent seizures, light sensitivity, and headaches for our children. We were sitting in the back, and when the A/C kicked on, it was a bit hard to hear, but the information was excellent. I confess I was a bit distracted by all the wonderful people in that room! The previous session wasn't nearly so full, and I really loved looking around and seeing faces that I had previously only seen on Facebook! Ted and I especially enjoyed watching Faith puttering around in her walker--I've seen her videos on Facebook and have always been amazed at her! (Later in the week I got to meet her parents, and we talked at length about how they helped Faith learn to walk.)

Our third session was Integrative Medicine: Thinking Outside the Box, which was excellent. The doctor is herself a mom of a 10-year-old girl with Trisomy 13, and she spoke about so many natural options from essential oils to acupuncture to massage and more. Such good, practical information.

Then it was time for lunch. We visited with several families, and we decided to send Ted to get some coffee for us from The Omaha Bakery, a favorite of ours since Michelle baked Verity's dedication cake. We talked our way through the next session, as we had connected with a couple more families and decided to just hang out since we would have been late anyway.

Then it was time for the Moms-only and Dads-only sessions. It was a time to get to know each other, share encouragement, concerns, whatever. It was such a joy to see so many kiddos with their moms in our session! We had a huge photo op with I don't know how many kids on blankets on the floor. So precious! Verity was definitely the baby of the bunch. (By the way, 38-year-old Megan with full Trisomy 18 was the oldest T18 person we met at the conference!)

We reunited with Rhema after this final session--she did so well considering it was a strange place and a very long day! We went back to the hotel and changed to our dinner clothes (choosing pink items in honor of Stacy, a T18 young lady who loved the color pink and who passed away in the spring). Then back to the banquet room to enjoy the Welcome Dinner. I wheeled Verity in her stroller for the "Parade of Stars," which featured all the Trisomy attendees. We watched a precious dance performance from members of a local adaptive dance studio called Dancing Beyond Limits. The keynote speaker was Lizzie, a 32 or 33-year-old with mosaic Trisomy 18. She read a speech that was several minutes long--it was wonderful to see someone with a related chromosomal issue who can walk and talk and interact so well! (You can hear a portion of her speech here.) Lizzie knows and loves everyone--we were new, so she had to come meet Verity. :-) (Because I know I will be asked...a mosaic Trisomy only affects a certain percentage of cells. Whereas Verity has FULL Trisomy 18, meaning every single cell in her body carries the extra 18th chromosome, a person with mosaic T18 may have only 20% of cells affected, or 85%, or any percentage--make sense?)

We were pretty wiped out by the time the dinner portion was finished, plus we had two little girls with us who had not napped much to speak of, so we went ahead and skipped out on the dancing portion! That night in the hotel room was much better than the previous night, thank you Jesus!!

FRIDAY
Our first event this day was the Stroll for Hope, a S.O.F.T. fundraiser that has been going on yearly for awhile in memory of Jonathan. It was fun to see families dressed up and strollers decorated. With this being our first year, we didn't know what to expect, but wow, some people went all out! It was a leisurely walk around the hotel commons area, which was great because Omaha in the summer does not make anyone want to get out and exercise, lol.

We went from there to The Omaha Bakery again, because Michelle told Ted he had to bring Verity and me back! We also met up with one of our favorite NICU nurses, Donna, who was our discharge nurse when Verity got to go home from the hospital. It was so lovely to see these sweet women and let them hold Verity and admire how much she's grown!

Then it was time for clinics at the Children's Hospital. This was similar to the children's developmental clinic that Verity went to in May 2017. Each Trisomy family had an exam room, and the specialists rotated in and out, giving us about 20 minutes each. First up for us was the audiology team, who remembered Verity and were so delighted to see her again and hear about her progress! Then genetics, and again we saw a familiar face from our time in the NICU. I don't remember any specific thing we gleaned from these sessions...it was mostly us telling the teams an overview of Verity's history.

The physical therapist that came in gave us some great tips on helping Verity build upper body and arm strength. You can see the video here. His was a very practical session that I think especially resonated with Ted--both are dads and this PT had a different approach than the female PTs we've worked with!

It was really good to visit with the neurologist, a specialist we have actually NOT seen before. She went over the various types of seizures and the many different ways they present so that we have a much better idea what we should look for. Verity hasn't given any signs that she has ever had a seizure before, but we know they are fairly common with our Trisomy kids, so it's something to be on alert for.

Finally, we spoke with a GI doctor (not the one we saw when we lived there), and he was helpful in giving us a few different options for Verity's poo issues...though we are hoping they continue to improve as we add/increase the bolus feedings to her feeding regimen.

That was our conference day...our family day ended after we picked up our little boys, grabbed some pizza from our favorite pizza place in Glenwood, and went back to the hotel for some dinner and pool time before bed.

SATURDAY
We moved out of the hotel Saturday morning and then attended the conference picnic, where we met up with our older 4 kids (whom I had asked to come to the picnic so that they could have the opportunity to meet some of the other families who came). The picnic was wonderful! Face painting, balloons, games, espressos, smoothies, catered food, but best of all was the opportunity to leisurely visit with people. I probably could have stayed much longer, but our kids were getting antsy to get back to their friends, plus we were approaching nap time with little people, so we headed out to Glenwood, where we stayed for a few more days catching up with dear friends.

Our drive home would have been uneventful if it weren't for our 3-year-old, who is extremely prone to motion sickness, vomiting every couple of hours. Sigh. But all in all, we are so grateful we had the opportunity to attend the conference, meet so many wonderful people, and learn more about how to care for our sweet Verity! The next few conferences are a much farther distance away from us, so I am not sure that we will be able to attend them. What a blessing that this year the location was relatively close and allowed us to meet up with friends and family in the area!

Let Freedom Ring!

This is an Independence Day post, but I will start with a flashback to Christmas vacation when I was tucking my 3 little boys in bed. Lucan, my 8yo, was talking about something (I don't recall what exactly) that would happen in the future, and he was rattling off the ages he and his siblings would be at the time. His words were matter of fact: "I'll be 12, Zaden will be 10, Seanin will be 8, Rhema will be 6, and Verity will be 4, if she's still alive."

If she's still alive?!?!

My breath caught in my throat, and a knot formed in my stomach.

I don't remember how that conversation ended, whether I said anything in particular or not. I only remember standing outside of the bedroom after the door was closed and sobbing my eyes out.

Two months later, on February 28, 2018, Verity turned one year old. It was a huge milestone. Statistics we had heard since Verity was in utero indicated if she reached that one-year birthday, she would be one of the 5-10% who did.

The very next morning, March 1, Lucan ran upstairs to find his baby sister. When he saw her, his eyes grew round, and he shouted with excitement, "She's still alive!!!"

The weight of his surprise settled on my shoulders with a heavy realization: my sweet, tenderhearted son thought Verity would succumb to statistics now that her birthday was over.

And it hit me that twice now, my son had voiced the uncertainty of the burden under which we all were living, even if we didn't talk about it or acknowledge it...even if we didn't realize it was there to begin with.

Verity's birthday party came and went. Appointments, therapies, sleepless nights, little developments and progress, an overnight stay in the hospital, a bit of regression, more appointments and therapies, another hospital admission, recovery, more appointments and therapies, more developments...days slipped into weeks, which turned into months. And at some point in the middle of all this daily LIFE, I experienced a startling realization.

We had spent pretty much all of Verity's first year of life holding our breath, waiting...in a sense...to see if she would die.

Does that sound absolutely awful? I was heartbroken when I realized how true it was. We had said goodbye to more little ones in our Trisomy community than I could have imagined possible. Some of our closest little friends were in and out of the hospital, some fighting for their lives and making miraculous recoveries, while others fought valiantly only to slip away.

The unspoken question in our house for so many months--How long would Verity be with us?--somehow evaporated. We submitted requests for therapeutic and adaptive equipment. We registered for the Support Organization for Trisomy family conference. We stopped subconsciously wondering whether our baby would leave us and simply enjoyed living with her.

Do you know what that is, friends?

Freedom.

Freedom from fear and worry.
Freedom from uncertainty.
Freedom from depression and anxiety.
Freedom to savor and relish the little things.
Freedom from expectations.
Freedom to simply...be.

I'd be lying if I said we never feel fear creeping in. (A bout with aspiration pneumonia terrified me as I watched my baby struggle to breathe.) And I'd be misleading you if I said I never deal with uncertainty, or if I said I have managed to perfectly enjoy and cherish Every Single Moment instead of being concerned with what's for dinner or whether the toilets have been cleaned recently.

But overall? Our lives are characterized by far more joy than nail-biting fear. This is a testimony to the grace of God in our lives, to the growth He has allowed us to experience because of the sweet and precious gift He gave us in Verity.

I've told friends that I feel as though we have come out of a long, dark tunnel, that we are finally able to see the light and the beauty every day even though some days are still really hard.

And that to me is FREEDOM.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,

  to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

--Isaiah 61:1-3

The Answer to "Does It Get Better?"

About 13 months ago I posted the following in the Rare Trisomy Parents group:

"I don't even know how to phrase this question. Verity is closing in on 3 months (on the 28th). That's awesome, of course. But her short life has been filled with things that understandably make her mad, uncomfortable, or both. The latest is the switch from casts to boots and bar, but it seems there has always been something. It's so rare that she's awake and not fussing or screaming. There are times, of course, when she seems reasonably content. But in general, when I think of her time since birth, it seems overall weighted toward the not-so-happy.

Does it get better??? Please tell me some day we will have some tangible reward in the form of positive responses, anything to let us know she is happy to be alive and knows she is loved. Life with a newborn is hard, I know, but my other babies were at least smiling and cooing and making faces back at us by this age. Obviously things are different with Verity, but it would give me something to hold onto and look forward to if I could tell myself something along the lines of, 'In another month or so she will be smiling,' or something like that.

I don't know if my question has to do with developmental milestones you've experienced or if I just need to hear that someday, life is going to be at least a little happier, a little less stressful than it is now. I don't regret the interventions we've done for Verity, not in the least. But...they've certainly been challenging. I'm exhausted, and the feeling of being overwhelmed only gets more powerful as time goes on.

Thanks for listening."

Oh. Oh my. Thirteen months is a long time, but how well I remember my emotional and mental state when I composed that plea for help. This afternoon I spent some time reviewing the answers posted in response to my question of May 17, 2017. I remember clinging to the sage advice and photos of smiling children that came in the form of dozens of comments. Many of those wise, sweet mamas are now close friends with whom I share daily life as we chat back and forth online. 

Little did we know back then that we were about a month away from seeing Verity smile for the first time, about 6 weeks away from hearing her laugh. Little did we know that though it would take many more months, we would start getting some stretches of sleep, even full nights (thanks to nursing help!). Little did we know we would see Verity--a child the head neonatologist suggested would lead a "futile life"--smile, that we would hear her babble and giggle multiple times a day. Little did we know she would light up when seeing Daddy come home from work every evening. 

So...does it get better?

Oh, yes. Yes, it does!!!

This morning, going on about 1 1/2 hours of sleep all night, Verity just cooed and smiled and giggled. I'm not sure how she survives on such a small amount of sleep, but she is certainly a happy girl much of the time, and when she's not, it is much easier for us to figure out what is bothering her. As I finish typing this post, it is clear that Verity is overly tired and ready for a nap--her left leg is kicking, and she is shaking her head back and forth with her eyes rolling back in her head. These are her sleepy cues. Now and then she gives a disgruntled squeal, as if to say, "I know I need to sleep, but I just can't get there yet." And yet...even so...she smiles! My heart is full.

Another time I will post about some of Verity's developmental progress, but today...today I remember how heartbroken I was at the seemingly constant distress our baby was experiencing a year ago, and all I can think about is how grateful I am for simply seeing her smile. 

Recent Appointments

Life with Verity is never dull, that's for sure! We have wrapped up another month of appointments, and here are the highlights.

From the GI follow-up:

• Verity is 15 pounds, 1 ounce! I was hoping for 15 pounds by her 15-month birthday, and she reached that! (May 28 was her 15-month bday!)
• We are back to giving 15ml prune juice twice a day to ease constipation. (We had stopped when vomiting was prevalent after giving it.)
• We are continuing to give her Prevacid twice a day for reflux, not wanting to change that AND her feeding regimen just yet, but hopefully later in the summer we will drop to once a day and see how she does.
• We have begun a S-L-O-W transition to one bolus feeding per day as follows:
• At 11:30am we stop the feeding pump.
• At 12:30pm we begin the bolus feeding.
• The first few days we gave 35ml over a 30-minute period.
• When we tried to bump up to 40ml, she vomited significantly, so we backed down to the 35ml for a few more days.
• Today we gave 40ml but did not compress it to a 30-minute period, instead letting it run at the same rate (70ml/hr), and she did great!
• Every 2-5 days we will adjust the volume OR the rate, working them up slowly to the goal of tolerating 60ml over a 30-40-minute period.
• At 2:30pm we resume the continuous feed (30ml/hour for the next 21 hours).

Overall it is clear Verity is growing and thriving, though we still deal with vomit almost daily and constipation (relieved instantly when we give her a liquid suppository--she just needs help getting it started). She is much sturdier, less floppy, with greater head and even trunk control, but still not able to sit on her own yet.

From the Sleep Clinic Meeting:

• A repeat sleep study has been ordered since so much has changed since our last one in November. (Earliest opening = end of September, but we are on a waiting list.)
• The doctor recommended establishing care with a neurologist, which is something I agree with--she has never been seen by one, but Trisomy 18 kiddos often deal with seizures, and I confess this is an area in which I have much fear over what the future may hold for Verity.
• The doctor also ordered a check of Verity's thyroid levels, which turned out to be normal.
• We discussed the fact that studies show propping kids up (laying them on an incline) during sleep may not actually help with reflux and can worsen the airflow obstruction. We have laid Verity flat ever since, and lo and behold, she has slept better overall!
• She noted Verity's high arched palate and said we may want to address this in the future. She gave me info for a dentist who specializes in this.

From the Surgical Consult:

• Verity's umbilical hernia does not require surgery now.
• If it has not resolved by age 4, surgery may be done to correct it.
• No concerns here!

Whew! Coming up next week is an evaluation with a speech therapist and a check-in with the audiologist to see how things are coming with her BAHA (which she is wearing anywhere from 3-10 hours a day in various stints).

Update: Spring Appointments

Recent posts have detailed the couple of respiratory illnesses that Verity had in March and April, so now it's time for a general update on the slew of other appointments we've had over the past few months! October was our busy month in the fall as the referrals finally went through and we started seeing her specialty providers, and April of course was the 6-month mark for follow-up. So here is the list of what all we've been up to!

March 22: Pulmonology
The pulmonology follow-up was scheduled even before Verity's first illness struck, but it was timed well as she had been out of the hospital about 10 days or so. At that time her lungs sounded amazingly good, and since we had never had any lung issues before, the doctor said she would leave it up to the Sleep Clinic doctor as to whether or not she would continue to follow Verity. Of course, little did we know that Verity would have pneumonia about a month later! Sleep clinic is scheduled for May 25...

April 2: Ophthalmology
We drove 45 minutes to get to Ft. Carson to spend a whopping 5 minutes with Dr. B, who assured us Verity's eyes are looking great and he doesn't need to dilate them again until our fall appointment. Okie dokie then.

April 17: Orthopedics
At this follow-up appointment we got another hip X-ray, which indicated her left hip is still stiff but not any worse than in the fall. Her feet are looking good and we are to continue using the bar (supposedly naps and nighttime but in reality more like 2-3 hour chunks a couple of times a day).

April 19: Pediatric Visit
We needed a doctor to look at Verity's umbilical hernia, which was repaired with her G-tube surgery May 2017 but has been flaring up again recently. She ordered an abdominal ultrasound. (This is the day we realized Verity was getting sick, and at 3am the next morning we took her to the hospital, where she was diagnosed with aspiration pneumonia.)

April 24: Renal ultrasound and barium enema
The ultrasound looked normal (per the follow-up the next day), and the barium enema did not reveal any particular reason for Verity's difficulty pooping, although it did show a "tortuous" pathway. (Once she gets started going she does pretty well, but we frequently have to give her a liquid suppository to start the process.)

April 25: BAHA fitting
Verity got her Bone-Assisted Hearing Aid, which fits on a headband! We learned lots of details about how to use this device and have a whole bag of STUFF to go along with it. She wears it in stints, as it is very overwhelming for her to have it on all the time at this point. Slowly we are working up to it! She isn't terribly responsive, although we know for sure when she is DONE!

April 30: Adaptive Stroller Shopping
We went to an equipment provider that we know of through The Resource Exchange (our home therapy program) to look at and take measurements for an adaptive stroller for Verity.

May 3: Echocardiogram
Our cardiologist is very optimistic about the way Verity's heart looks right now. Her large VSD has completely patched up! She still has a teeny tiny one that causes her heart murmur, but everything is balanced, and he does not think PH will be a problem. Whew! He feels comfortable waiting another year before we do another echo.

May 4: Post-hospital follow-up with PCM
Verity had been off oxygen for some time before we had this appointment, and she looked quite well. Her PCM was pleased.

May 7: Abdominal ultrasound
This was a pretty quick appointment, but we didn't hear anything about the results until I asked a week later. We have a referral to see a pediatric surgeon since clearly the hernia is there.

May 15: Dietitian assessment
Our Verity weighed in at 14 pounds, 14 ounces!! And she is 26 inches long now!! In less than 2 weeks, she will be 15 months old...15 pounds by 15 months!!! Clearly she is growing and thriving on the Nourish formula. Now that she is 100% on this whole-foods mixture (plus plenty of water), our next step is to meet with the GI doc and formulate a plan for compressing her feeds so that she can get on more of a bolus feeding schedule. Her vomiting can still be a problem, particularly when she is bearing down to poo or pass gas, but it is much less frequently to be sure. I'm not going to lie...I would LOVE for her to not be hooked to the feeding pump 24/7. But...counting my blessings. Our baby is growing and thriving and becoming SO much stronger and sturdier!

In between all the above listed appointments were nearly weekly visits to the chiropractor as well as nearly weekly occupational and physical therapy sessions in our home.

COMING UP:
May 25: GI follow-up and Sleep Clinic

May 31: Surgery consult

June 6: Speech evaluation

June 7: BAHA check

Whew. That's all for now, folks!!!

Pneumonia and Recovery

About 6 weeks after Verity's overnight hospital stay in March, we were back again after monitoring her at home being unable to keep her sats up. I had taken a nap in the early evening, knowing it was going to be a rough night, and spent hours tweaking her o2 and watching the numbers fluctuate on the pulse oximeter. When her heart rate soared over 200 and wouldn't come down, I woke Ted and we packed up for the hospital.

Unlike the previous ER visit, this one involved lots of tests. We were admitted with the diagnosis of aspiration pneumonia. Since I had been awake all night, I drove home after Ted and Verity finished the admissions process, swapping out with him the following day (and bringing a diffuser plus essential oils, lol).

The scariest part of the whole thing was watching Verity's labored breathing. Her retractions were unlike anything I had ever seen. I was hoping to get her on CPAP or BiPAP, something that we felt would ease the difficulty she was having with her breathing, but they only do that in the PICU (at this particular hospital), and we were in the pediatric acute care unit. (Don't ask me why they can't bring it to those rooms!!) The doctors did listen to my concerns and said they were monitoring her to see if she needed to move to PICU. She never did. Amazingly the nights were not too terrible; it was the afternoons where she seemed to have the acute episodes.

This visit was three days and two nights, and once again we were discharged to come home on oxygen (1/16L prescribed, but we did have to adjust depending on her sats). Verity had an IV in the hospital, but we were given a prescription for "oral" (i.e. G-tube) antibiotics at home. Thankfully she did not have any adverse reactions to the medicine.

It has been about 3 weeks since our hospital visit, and we have had a number of appointments since then (many unrelated to her pneumonia). Overall she is doing quite well, although she has been noticeably sleepy (regrettably not always during the night--hence my writing this at 2:30am!). Every now and then we see a low grade fever, and she has had days where getting a smile out of her is nigh impossible. But for all the fussy periods, she does have her happy, playful times as well, and thankfully her vitals keep looking good. She came off oxygen maybe a week or so after we got home from the hospital. (These weeks have been a blur with all our appointments, which I will detail in a separate post.)

I am thankful Verity seems to be robust and healthy enough to bounce back so well from such a scary illness. But I confess that I will never be able to shake the sense of dread that looms over us whenever we are making a hurried trip to the hospital--we've seen too many babies fly to heaven to take for granted that we will always be able to bring her home.

Weathering Verity's First Real Sickness

March was a busy month for Verity! In between her big birthday party and getting her first car, we had an emergency trip to the hospital along with a brief (30-hour) stay in the pediatric unit. The week leading up to Verity's party, a few of our kiddos had been sick with some kind of respiratory junk, the first time in a long time we've really battled anything other than minor sniffles. Thanks to our wellness regimen, we were able to contain things pretty well--the kids who did get sick were better within a couple of days, and we managed to keep them as far away from Verity as possible. I had every diffuser in the house kept busy disseminating our essential oils into the air, and we oiled everyone's feet at night and drank a lot of Thieves tea! It seemed that Verity, Rhema, and I were going to escape unscathed.

But alas, in the end Verity did succumb. Frankly, I'm amazed that she was the last to get sick! Her immune system does not seem fragile at all! But of course it hit over the weekend...our nurse warned us on Friday that she suspected something was coming on, and sure enough, Saturday morning Verity was just not herself. She had a low grade fever Sunday afternoon, and we decided to put her oxygen on for a bit of support. We were hopeful that we could ride it all out at home.

But Sunday night things took a turn for the worse. We were so grateful that we had a nurse on duty overnight! She worked with our oxygen tanks as needed but our supply wasn't enough (we only have 2 tiny tanks because we were prescribed a minimal amount--which we aren't even currently using--to help with OSA). We learned later that one of our valves was faulty, so we had an empty tank we thought was full.

Anyway--by 4am we were making plans to take Verity to the hospital, but before I could collect my thoughts and my things, our nurse told me I needed to call 911 instead. Verity was non-responsive and turning dusky. The EMS team arrived quickly and gave Verity a nebulizer treatment and more oxygen before we strapped her into her car seat and secured that into the ambulance. I rode along with her, and it was obvious that the treatment had helped significantly--she simply sat quietly, looking around!

They never did any testing to find out what respiratory thing she was fighting, but whatever it was, it didn't knock her out too long. We were admitted to the hospital and stayed overnight. Verity slept almost the whole time we were there. We knew she wasn't feeling well because she never fought her cannula! The next morning, though, she was doing well on minimal oxygen (she was only at 1/4L after arriving anyway), so we were discharged with more tanks from our medical supply company and orders to keep her on 1/8L probably for "a couple of weeks."

Three days later, we followed up with her PCM, and after a half-hour trial, we were able to ditch the oxygen! Of course she was heavily monitored, but praise the Lord we never did have to give it to her again. And a follow-up with her pulmonologist a week after that also gave good news--she doesn't think Verity needs to be followed, as her lungs are (and always have been) so clear. However, we did put another follow-up appointment on the schedule just in case the sleep clinic (scheduled for the end of May) doctor decides that Verity should be seen by pulmonology again.

New Resource for Trisomy Moms

March was Trisomy Awareness Month. I was pretty active in sharing things on Verity's Facebook page and a bit on Instagram (I'm fairly new to that world), but I completely neglected this blog! Some of us Trisomy moms were talking about what we wish we would have known, or what we would have told ourselves if we could speak from our present viewpoint to our distraught past selves when we first learned of our child's diagnosis.

From those discussions a blog was born. "More Than Ten Percent" seeks to share stories of surviving the first year as a Trisomy mama. The name comes from the fact that most of us were told at diagnosis that at the most, only 5-10% of these babies live to see their first birthdays. The truth is, when babies are given interventions, closer to 35% of Trisomy 13/18 babies reach that milestone.

If you'd like to see Verity's and my contribution to the blog, please check it out! And do read other stories as well. While there are similarities, each journey is so different. It just goes to show that doctors really have no way of knowing for sure what will happen. We pray that our stories can be a blessing and encouragement to parents who are struggling with a new and unexpected diagnosis.

Go, Baby, Go!

Verity and about a dozen other kids in our area got to participate in a neat program for special needs kids who particularly need help with mobility. The Resource Exchange (the program through which we get our weekly at-home therapy sessions) partnered with area sponsors and volunteers to provide little cars for the kids. (Almost 16-year-old Tobin lamented that Verity got a car before him, lol.)

Our family arrived at the event center at a local mall to get Verity fitted for her car. She was by far the smallest participant, so she needed a lot more modifications, which unfortunately meant that she wasn't able to participate in the grand parade at the end of the morning's efforts. But, we have a car! And while it may need a few tweaks, overall it seems to work for her, and we look forward to taking her out in it when the weather is nice and we have enough people available to make sure it's safe!

To see a video of Verity "driving" her car (she pushed the button to make it start!), you can go here!

Look! It's Trisomy 18 BLUE!
Perfect, since March was Trisomy Awareness Month!

The initial assessment: how can we keep her
seated safely?

See the big red button?!
That's what she pushes to make it go!

Lots of people brainstorming ideas for the best way
to make this work for Verity

Taking a break to be silly with Daddy

Birthday Bliss

Where does the time go?! It's been over a month since we had Verity's birthday party (theme: "Joy comes in the morning"), but I still smile in delight when I think about that special day. Out-of-town guests included my parents and two dear friends who flew to Colorado to spend some time with us and help prepare for the part. On party day, the weather was beautiful--sunny and warm--and we welcomed dozens of friends and loved ones who chose to spend part of their weekend celebrating this milestone with us. It was so precious to visit with everyone and to testify to God's faithfulness in this journey. 

We don't have any way of knowing how many more birthdays we will be able to celebrate with Verity, but somehow, now that we've passed the One Year Milestone, it seems as if we've let out a collective sigh of relief. We don't take for granted the time we have with her, but neither are we anxious about impending doom, a feeling that weighed us down for much of the past year. We know with Trisomy 18 we will never be completely free of a hovering "what if," but Lord willing, we are learning to treasure the moments we do have--not only with Verity, but with each of our children, for we know that our lives are but a mist in light of eternity. May we rise each morning with joy in our hearts no matter the circumstances.

It's a One-derful Life

And just like that, Verity is ONE year old! The days (and nights) were long, but this last year really did seem to go by in a whirlwind.

After a whopping ONE hour of snoozing tonight, I gave up and brought my fussy girl downstairs so my hubby can sleep alone in our comfy bed. (He had Verity starting around 2:30am last night.) As I snuggled her on my shoulder, I marveled at how solid she feels now, all 13 pounds, 14 ounces of her. I am thankful for how she holds her head up so well I don't have to support her neck with my other hand (which makes carrying the feeding pump on a pole that much easier). I am thankful that her feedings are manageable and no longer causing her to vomit multiple times a day. I am thankful that on the whole, she is a fairly content, happy baby--something I honestly did not think we would be able to say when we were struggling to keep food in her belly and sleep longer than 45 minutes (or less) at a time.

We really have come a long way.

A snapshot of Verity at ONE year, ONE week, and ONE day:

• 13 pounds, 14 ounces
• 25 inches long
• Fed via g-tube 24 hours a day, soon to be a ratio of 1/2 breast milk and 1/2 Nourish (an organic, whole foods formula)
• Starting to try purees--we are not having luck with liquids, but two days of smushed avocado on a spoon have been a decent start to oral feeds! I have no assumptions or expectations, only excitement and gratitude.
• Rolls from back to sides and sometimes from tummy to sides
• Reaches for toys
• Tracks people and toys visually
• Loves bright lights
• Smiles and chortles
• Does silly things with her mouth: blows raspberries, sucks in bottom lip, etc.
• Loves her pacifier and holds it herself with her hands (still has a weak suck)
• Is not on oxygen at night...long story, but bottom line is we value sleep, and we think the reflux had much to do with the obstructive apnea. Waiting for another sleep study...meanwhile, the pulse ox assures us that her sats are great.
• Has physical and occupational therapy sessions once a week at home.
• Gets her workout from her day nurse, who faithfully helps Verity stretch and use her muscles throughout the day.
• Has a night nurse Sunday and Monday nights for 8-hour shifts. (Yay, sleep for Mom and Dad!)

I'm sure there are other highlights I should list, but it is nearly ONE in the morning, and since Verity has drifted off to sleep, I am going to lie down next to her on the couch and see if I can get some rest myself!

Book Project

**Update**
I am so thrilled that we have mailed books for FREE to 15 Trisomy families so far. I now have a waiting list of families who would love a copy.

Looking for people who want to be a double blessing! Our family would like to attend the SOFT (Support Organization for Trisomy) conference this summer. I’ve been pondering ways to raise money to help cover the conference fees and have an idea that could benefit lots of other people as well! Last year I wrote a book to help Verity’s siblings prepare for her arrival—the arrival of a baby sister who was different. An artist friend beautifully illustrated my text and helped me put together a professional, finished product. When someone purchases a book, I receive a small royalty that we are setting aside to help pay for the conference. I realize that many of my friends and family are not directly touched by a Trisomy situation…thus the dilemma of spreading the word to ask people to order a book.

HOWEVER! There are many folks who WOULD be blessed and encouraged by this book! Here are some ideas…
• Order books to be given for free to families with a Trisomy 13/18 diagnosis. (You can have them shipped to me and I’ll cover postage to mail to families who join the Trisomy Facebook group. I will also take some to the SOFT conference to hand out.)
• Donate copies to a local crisis pregnancy center. (You can write a personal message inside for extra impact!)
• Donate copies to your local library.
• Donate copies to hospital resource centers, genetic counselors, palliative care teams, NICUs, etc.

Books are $15 and can be ordered at the following links:
Boy version
Girl version

Would you help in some way? Even if you aren’t able to order any books to give away, would you please share this post and spread the word? Please pm me with questions or to ask for my address if you’d like to have books shipped to me.

I would love to see many families blessed with the truths that are shared in this book…our babies may be different, but they are loved, special, created in God’s image with a purpose. Thank you in advance for helping to bring truth and peace (“Verity Irene!”) to others!

Verity: Latin, meaning "truth"
Irene: Greek, meaning "peace"

The Other Side of the Coin

Tomorrow is Verity’s first birthday! Tomorrow we celebrate having her with us for a whole year. Other first birthdays have come and gone, but this one—pardon the pun—takes the cake! When we learned Verity’s diagnosis, I thought I would be planning for a funeral. Never did it cross my mind in the weeks following that awful phone call that maybe, just maybe, we would someday be printing invitations and buying streamers and looking at cake ideas for her first birthday party.

There is another side to this coin, however, and I want to share a quick glimpse at the life of another Trisomy 18 girl named Nori. Here she is—isn’t she a doll?

Verity and Nori are birthday buddies! Both girls will turn 1 tomorrow! I’ve only recently begun to get to know Nori’s sweet mama, who lives over a thousand miles away. And though our daughters share a birthday and the same diagnosis, their stories are so incredibly different.

Verity spent 18 days in the NICU. Nori is still waiting to go home!

Verity has had 2 surgeries (tenotomy and g-tube). Nori has had 4, including open heart surgery.

Verity’s biggest problems seem to be GI related. Nori has a trach, has endured chemo, and is now cancer free! (I know, right?! She is INCREDIBLE!)

Two Trisomy 18 families; two very different stories. I am so thankful that sweet Nori is doing all right (although suffering some minor setbacks that keep delaying her from going HOME), but there is no denying that she, her parents, and her siblings have had a much more difficult road than we have traveled with Verity. (To read more, please see the fundraiser page a friend has set up for them.)

But…both girls are alive. They’ve beaten so many odds, and they will celebrate a huge milestone tomorrow.

And that—that is really the other side of the Trisomy 18 coin, the fact that we celebrate what so many cannot.

I can’t deny that as excited as I am to sing “Happy Birthday” to Verity tomorrow (and again at her party on Saturday), there is a tinge of sadness that I just can’t shake. I now know too many mamas who will never get to wish their babes a happy first birthday—or perhaps even another birthday. I know too many mamas who didn’t even get to meet their little ones alive. I ache for the parents who aren't sure if they really made the right decisions, for the siblings who don’t understand why they can’t kiss baby brother or sister one more time.

And honestly? I don't understand it either. Why do our babies live and others don't? 

Sometimes we hear well-intentioned sentiments. 

"She is so loved! That's why she's doing so well." But...other children were (and still are) loved.

"So many people have been praying!" Well, I'm sure people prayed for the children who passed, too. (I myself have prayed fervently for little ones who didn't make it.)

"God has special plans for this girl." Yes, just like He has plans for all children...but some plans clearly include welcoming little ones to heaven before their parents.

Do you see the dilemma? On the one hand, so much to be thankful for, so much joy and hope. On the other hand, such sorrow as I cannot—simply cannot—wrap my head around, for I have not (yet) been called upon to walk that road. (Jesus, be merciful...help me whenever that time must come.)

I suppose that in a sense, I am still living in a cloud of uncertainty much like during the pregnancy with Verity. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us. Yet with 364 days behind us, life with our little girl is, quite simply, Today. 

Today...I will take care of you as best as I know how.

Today...I will hold you close.

Today...I will thank God for the gift of you.

Today...I will love you with all that I am.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...Ecclesiastes 3:1

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:24

A Year of Firsts

It's been quite a year. Though we've experienced many firsts in our years of parenting, our adventure with Verity has found us swinging between typical baby firsts on the one hand and...on the other hand...utterly foreign firsts which have somehow turned into our new normal. And while we have yet to see Verity reach certain milestones that our other babies may have reached or even surpassed by their first birthdays, the fact remains: we cherish and treasure each FIRST from this past year.

The first time we saw our tiny babe and heard her little cry...

The first time one of our babies went from birthing room to NICU...

The first moment her brothers and sisters met Verity...

Our first experience with a feeding tube...

Our first night at home with a myriad of cords and machines...

Our first trip with Verity to the ER...

Verity's first church service (which also happened to be her dedication)...

Her first casts...

Her first Easter...

Her first surgery...

Her first GI tests...

Her first boots and bar (soon followed by her first therapy sessions)...

Her first smiles (at 4 months old)...

Her first Fourth of July...

Her first move...

Her first Thanksgiving...

Her first sleep study...

Her first Christmas...

Her first New Year...

Her first Valentine's Day...

And soon...very soon...on February 28, her very first birthday...

Verity, you are the FIRST baby we have had the privilege of experiencing such a roller coaster of a first year with! You have taught us so much, sweet girl. I know I'm not the first person to say this, but you have touched more lives in your short time on earth than you can ever know. We will treasure each and every FIRST the Lord our God gives us with you.

We love because He first loved us...1 John 4:19.