I Demand Joy: 36 Weeks and Counting

Yesterday I had another OB check-up, the first of what will now be weekly visits through Verity's arrival. Our next ultrasound is on Valentine's Day; I wasn't sure whether I should ask for one sooner or not, but I feel pretty comfortable that things are going well so far and don't want to be overly concerned about anything else at this point.

Anyway, I saw Dr. T, the same gentleman who met us for our January 17 appointment after the last ultrasound. I am so pleased to report that the brief time I spent with him yesterday blessed and encouraged me in a huge way! Especially after writing my last post, it was extremely refreshing to hear how pro-active Dr. T has been on our behalf.

For starters, after our last visit he made copies of our birth plan and circulated it amongst the doctors and nurses and NICU staff. He passed along copies of the research articles I had left with him. He spoke specifically to two of the NICU doctors (neither of whom was the doctor with whom I had a horrific consultation last November) to apprise them of our situation and spoke very highly of both of them as well as all the NICU nurses. He asked the nurse who gave us the L&D tour and her supervisor to come up with a plan of communication for when we come in for delivery. And the cherry on top, he described Ted and me as "level-headed" folks who have a "realistic understanding of this situation" and are completely capable of learning what needs to be done to support our daughter after she is born. WOW! Dr. T himself delivered a T18 baby a few years ago; though the baby only lived a week (had a congenital heart condition), the family remains in touch and in fact delivered another baby with Dr. T recently.

Can I confess something? It dawned on me as I was sharing with my family after dinner how the appointment went that yesterday was the FIRST TIME I have actually felt eagerness, joy, and anticipation regarding Verity's birth. I can't say with all honesty that the clouds of uncertainty and even fear have totally dissipated, but for the first time I am excited to see our baby girl in person, to hold her and learn more about who she is and how she will fare in this crazy, chaotic group of precious people who are my family.

It was a bit startling to realize just what a weight has been on me--that probably sounds absurd, given all the emotional news we've waded through over the last few months. But while I've desired to cherish each day with Verity; while I've smiled and laughed at her gymnastics and wiggles; while I've sighed in relief at each ultrasound appointment--the best emotions I've been able to muster have been more along the lines of "Somehow we'll get through all of this." I've feared and dreaded the day of her arrival even as part of me just wants to "get it over with." ("Tell me the bad news first, please.") I hate changing the status quo, particularly when it seems the impending change will be worse than current circumstances.

NO MORE!! Yesterday morning during my prayer time, I actually told God, "I demand joy!! You've promised me life abundantly, and I am TIRED of not having the full measure of what you desire for us!" (Or something to that effect, lol. I do remember demanding joy though. :-) )

I KNOW people have been praying for us--yesterday I felt carried along on eagles' wings, and the words from our doctor gave even more height to my soaring. For those who have been praying us through this journey, please pray that God continues to pour out His joy on us all...I'm sure He has been trying, but my/our capacity to receive it has not been all that it could be!