I'm at the retreat center now, sitting outside on a beautiful late afternoon, feeling the wind in my hair, the cup of hot tea on my lap, and little Verity dancing in my belly. I'm on a wooden bench in front of a simple wooden cross. The lake behind and below this little overlook is entrancing with its endless ripples moving in the same wind that sways the branches above me and tosses leaves beneath me.
It is extraordinarily peaceful. I long to fully enjoy this quiet solitude. But I am irritated by these stupid little stinging black bugs! They have been a source of evil distraction since I first sat down, causing me to don my sweater despite the warm temperature. I've swatted and murdered a growing number of these diminutive demons, but their constant presence is definitely marring this experience! I had hoped for some poignant, reflective moments, maybe a rhema word from the Lord. And while I have searched out some Scripture and used my Blue Letter Bible app for a quick word study, so far this hasn't been the spiritual awakening and/or renewal I was envisioning!
Somehow that seems all too appropriate. I sit at the foot of the cross, longing to fully worship my Jesus but instead swatting at the demons of fear and anger, whose legions continue to torment me even though through Jesus I live in a place of rest and peace. I realize--NOW--as I write this--that these horrid little bugs, stirred up by the recent harvest, will linger through these warm, mild days, finally dying in the cold and dark days of winter.
As I think about the darkest times in my life up to this point, I realize that my deepest worship, the truest worship I have ever been capable of offering, has come in the cold, dark days of winter: times of death, loss, pain, hardship. And the doubts and fear? Gone. Dead. Completely overshadowed and overcome by the One who is worthy of all my worship, not because of what He did or didn't do in that season, but simply because of WHO HE IS.
I don't know what our "winter" with Verity will look like. All I know is, my current struggle with the demon bugs is all too real. Yet I say with Job, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him" (Job 13:15). I hate the unknown, the uncertainty, with a passion. It's where the fear and frustration live and grow. But one thing I know--when the winter comes, I will yet praise Him. And the praise will slay the demons.
God...I have to trust you more than I need to explain you. I choose to continue offering myself to you. I want answers...I want a reason...but so much more than that? I want YOU. And I want you more than I want a sense of control. When my fingers tighten around the bottle you're asking me to pour out, then Lord--give me strength and courage to break that alabaster jar and let the extravagance overwhelm me and all who are near enough to inhale that fragrant offering. Make your name glorious, Jesus...my beautiful Savior.
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